Memoranda

In which the crew of the Psycho communicate with various other people in order to resolve the niggling little issues that need to be dealt with outside of the main scope of the event. Here you will find correspondence between various members of the crew and the people they rope in to help them. Nothing ever quite goes according to plan and when you don’t have a plan to begin with, that can be a problem…

From: Capt. CJT Olding <cjtolding@ds13.starfleet.ufp>
To: Fleet Requisitions, Starfleet Command, San Francisco, Earth <fleetreqmailbox@command.starfleet.ufp>
Stardate: 4985678.45
Subject: Essential Supplies, Federation Space Station Deep Space 13
Sir,

1) It has been brought to my attention by one of my senior officers that a mistake has been made in delivering the Starfleet ‘Getting Started In Your New Space Station’ kit to DS13. According to the inventory in the starter pack, there should be 240 sachets of Tomato Ketchup (Red) supplied as part of the ‘Don’t Call For Takeout On Your First Night’ food supplies package. My Chief Engineer informs me that this has been replaced by 15 sachets of Lemon Scented Towellettes and has advised me that this will not be adequate for the crew’s dietary needs in the first days of establishing a new outpost on the frontier.

Whilst it is appreciated that there will inevitably be a degree of confusion and uncertainty in the supply situation so far from Sector 001 this error needs to be rectified as soon as possible, as without flavouring it is feared that the Generic Meat Burgers (Economy) contained within the pack will prove insufficient nourishment, particularly in light of the considerable amount of physical work involved in clearing debris etc etc from a station that was recently abandoned by Cardassian forces.

2) A further requisition has been transmitted to me from the Deputy Engineer. 12 new gravity generators are required to replace faulty units that are currently fluctuating between 0.25 and 12G. The replacement units will have to function in a non-standard environment and must be able to operate in tandem with Cardassian-built equipment. They must also be no larger than 14.7cm x 26.3cm x 1m72cm. This is smaller than the standard issue equipment dimensions of 1m15cm x 2m50cm x 10m20cm, and whilst a delay in appropriating suitable equipment is understandable, it is requested that these items are located and dispatched to DS13 ASAP, as currently the refresher stations in Ops, in addition to the Ikea ring are unusable due to this issue. These represent the only functional refresher stations aboard the station at present, representing a potential health hazard, both to crew and civilian contractors on board. It should further be noticed, that with the Grand Opening of Fred’s Bar (the first social mess area) scheduled for Stardate 498568.70, this lack of toilet facilities could well become critical.

Yours truly,

Captain CJT Olding, 217-5840-Q.
Officer Commanding, Federation Space Station Deep Space 13.

From: Fleet Requisitions Manager <req.manager@req.command.starfleet.ufp>
To: Capt. CJT Olding <cjtolding@ds13.starfleet.ufp>
Cc: Fleet Requisitions (Station Two) <station.betaquad@req.command.starfleet.ufp>
Stardate: 4985822.36
Subject: RE: Re: RE: FW: Essential Supplies, Federation Space Station Deep Space 13

Capt. Olding,

Thank you for bringing to my attention the details of your recent situation and difficulties with the new Requisitions Department structure. Please let me assure you that we are fully aware of the differing issues faced by staff at frontier outposts. It is exactly for this reason that the Requisitions Department has been further subdivided into the teams in which it now resides, to ensure the officers dealing with requisitions are able to devote their time and resources accordingly.

I refer you to Starfleet Command Memo 883765E-Q6R-1A, entitled ‘Starfleet Command Requisition and Supplies – A New Look’, dated Stardate 4981146.76, which covers all the recent structural changes in detail. This memo was distributed to all commanding officers for their information. We do appreciate, however, that starship captains and station commanders are busy people who may not have time to read a 115 page Memo, and have produced a second, leaflet-style copy, which I have attached.

As to your immediate concerns, I have spoken to my colleagues who have provided me with the following information:

1) The inventory in the ‘Getting Started In Your New Space Station’ pack contains an error. The additional 240 sachets of Tomato Ketchup (Red) are no longer part of the basic starter kit, but are only included in the ‘Luxury’ version which, according to our records, you did not order. This is due to a successful petition by the Ckorrefektians who, as I’m sure you are aware, have a deeply rooted ingrained fear of the colour red, as well as tomatoes. As you yourselves have discovered, Starfleet issue BBQ Sauce (Brown) is a suitable substitute, but unfortunately at the time of delivery of your order discussions and testing of this were still ongoing. I am sure you will be pleased to know that in future, all Basic ‘Getting Started In Your New Space Station’ packs will contain 240 sachets of BBQ sauce. We would be happy to send you 240 sachets of tomato ketchup as compensation for this error.

2) I regret to inform you that replacement gravity generators will take at least six weeks to arrive at your location as we have to first order them from an external supplier, who are currently experiencing difficulties with their delivery company, and as such is out of our control. We thank you for your understanding in this matter. In the mean time we suggest you avoid using these areas as much as possible. Perhaps you would like to open a discussion with the Starfleet Corps of Engineers as to possible interim solutions to this problem.

3) Regarding the additional four (4) crates of industrial-grade cleaning fluid you have asked to be attached to this order, I am pleased to be able to say that this will be no problem at all. However, since this order now consists of gravity generators which will not be available to be sent to you for six weeks and we are, unfortunately, unable to split orders to send at different times it might save time if you raised a separate order for these, which would need to go through the Station Two Requisitions Team. I have copied this to that team so they will be ready and waiting for your order when it arrives.

I trust this will help alleviate your concerns, and I am fully confident that now your issues have been raised with the correct team, they will be dealt with swiftly and efficiently.

Yours,

Commodore Horman
Officer in Charge, Starfleet Requisitions

From: Capt. CJT Olding <cjtolding@ds13.starfleet.ufp>
To: Fleet Requisitions Manager <req.manager@req.command.starfleet.ufp>
Cc: Fleet Requisitions (Station Two) <station.betaquad@req.command.starfleet.ufp>
Bcc: Starfleet Corps of Engineers 1st line Technical Support <helpdesk@sce.starfleet.ufp>
Stardate: 4985824.19
Subject: Re: RE: Re: RE: FW: Essential Supplies, Federation Space Station Deep Space 13

Commodore Horman,

In response to your response, I would like to make the following points:

1)I did indeed receive an attachment from you, however rather than the leaflet explaining the changes in Fleet Requisitions, the attachment containing a file entitled ‘To My Darling Fluffy’ and contained material of what can best be described as being of a contentious nature. The suspect nature of this material can be illustrated by the fact it took the combined talents of half my engineering staff and my first officer to persuade DS13’s mail filter to let it through. Furthermore, I believe the file has now been circulated amongst the station’s senior staff for further analysis.

2) I am well aware of the issue regarding the Ckorrefektians, having been part of the first contact team some 80 years ago who successfully negotiated Ckorrefectian entry to the Federation, a process involving discarding normal uniforms and completing the negotiations in standard issue underwear only. I should however point out that at this present time no Ckorrefektians are serving in Starfleet, begging the question as to why a petition from them should have influenced the contents of the starter pack. I also have concerns regarding the information that the BBQ sauce was still undergoing testing when it was issued to us. Can you advise me as to the outcome of these tests, and whether or not the sauce has been passed fit for consumption?

3) I have instructed my Deputy Chief Engineer to commence discussions with Starfleet Corps of Engineers regarding the malfunctioning gravity generators issue, however I would impress upon you the urgency of our request. I appreciate that you are dealing with outside contractors, however may I remind you we are a military force and therefore have better methods of persuasion than a memo when necessary?

4) In relation to the industrial-grade cleaning fluid issue, I must stress this be dealt with directly, as the situation toilets-wise has become intolerable. The station crew are currently having to make use of a ‘Portaloo’ external chemical system borrowed from the planet Bagel, a less than satisfactory solution, particularly as my first officer has developed a habit of disappearing in there with a technical journal and not being seen for some considerable time. I have attached below the order for the industrial-grade cleaning fluid, and have copied this message to the Station Two Requisitions Team. Please see below:

>>From: Capt CJT Olding, Officer Commanding Federation Space Station Deep Space 13
>>To: Station Two Requisitions Team
>>
>>Request: Four (4) (iv) crates of industrial-grade cleaning fluid. NOW.
>>
>>Or else.
>>
>>Yours,
>>
>>Captain CJT Olding, 217-5840-Q.
>>Officer Commanding, Federation Space Station Deep Space 13.

From: Fleet Requisitions Manager <req.manager@req.command.starfleet.ufp>
To: Capt. CJT <cjtolding@ds13.starfleet.ufp>
Stardate: 4985829.63
Subject: RE: Re: RE: Re: RE: FW: Essential Supplies, Federation Space Station Deep Space 13
Attachment(s): <<Starfleet Command Requisition and Supplies – A New Look – Abbreviated.doc>>

Captain,

With regard to the points you raised:

1) I can only offer my apologies. You were the victim of the actions of a disgruntled technical services employee, who was replacing all attachments on outgoing communiques with said document. The issue has been resolved on this end, but I would be remiss if I did not point out that the problem is self-propogating, and there is a rather high probability that any attachments you may have sent in the last day may have been affected. I hope this has not caused you any major inconvenience, and you should be receiving information from the Starfleet Antivirus Team with details on purging it from your system. The correct document is attached.

2) I’m afraid you may have misunderstood my meaning. What was being addressed with the discussions and testing was whether the BBQ sauce was, in this case, a suitable substitute for the tomato ketchup originally in the packs. I am happy to say all tests came back with a positive response, with only one exception. So have my assurances that the BBQ sauce you and your crew have been using is very unlikely to be unfit for consumption. Should you have any further queries, I suggest you direct them to the Starfleet R&D Facility on Proxima II, where the testing was carried out. I also refer you to documents XT4823988765 and XT4823988766 in the Starfleet Archives, which are full transcripts of the discussions. As to the issue of the Ckorrefektians, the fact that there are currently no serving Ckorrefektians in Starfleet was not deemed relevant to the issue, as it was argued by the Ckorrefektian representative that to allow red tomato sauce to be included in these packs would discriminate against any Ckorrefektians who may, in the future, choose to serve the Fleet. We are an equal opportunity Fleet, and must take all such possibilities very seriously.

I had no idea you were part of the original first contact team, so may I congratulate you on a job well done. I’m led to believe by the reports I have read that they only briefly aligned themselves with the Klingon Empire before returning to the Federation with a request to join. I am sure that your involvement in the original contact must have had a great deal to do with their decisions.

3) I do hope, Captain, that you are fully aware of Starfleet’s position as an Exploration and Peacekeeping force within the Federation. Whatever our detractors may say, we are not, nor can we ever be seen to be, a military force, as much as some gung-ho types may wish it otherwise. I am not able to apply any sort of pressure on our outside contractors other than urgent reminders and escalating the problem to my (and their) superiors. Please accept my assurances that I have done so, on both counts. The last update I received on the matter was that the parts you ordered are on their way, and should arrive at the Requisitions Supply Depot within the fortnight. From there, they will be despatched onwards to you with the utmost urgency.

4) You should have already received a despatch order for the crates of industrial-grade cleaning fluid you ordered. This is on its way to you by emergency courier, and should arrive within the day. May I ask whether you have sufficient sponges, mops, buckets and scourers to aid with the cleansing of the mould? I feel it is also my duty to enquire whether you have identified the cause of the initial outbreak, as I would be most distressed to find you were required to order another set of crates should the problem re-occur. And please, there is no need to take such an abrupt tone in your ordering. We are all only attempting to do our jobs, after all.

Yours,

Commodore Horman
Officer in Charge, Starfleet Requisitions

From: Capt. CJT Olding <cjtolding@ds13.starfleet.ufp>
To: Fleet Requisitions Manager <req.manager@req.command.starfleet.ufp>
Stardate: 4985830.13
Subject: Re: RE: Re: RE: Re: RE: FW: Essential Supplies, Federation Space Station Deep Space 13
Attachment(s): <<To My Darling Fluffy>>

Commodore,

1) Thank you for the explanation regarding the unintended literature, and the circumstances regarding it’s transmission. Rest assured I shall now not be holding your team responsible for the brief brush war that occurred out here after I attempted text negotiations with a local planet, and that I am willing to attest to the accidental nature of this incident in any inquiries that may be mounted as a result. My first officer assures me that DS13’s systems have been thoroughly swept now and there is no danger of further transmission of the offending document from this station.

2) I have contacted Starfleet R&D at Proxima II, and they have confirmed that the BBQ sauce is indeed safe for use with minimal side-effects. Apparently my Operations Officer’s condition is unusual in the extreme and the rash should clear within 4-7 days. As to the possibility of Ckorrefektians serving within the fleet in the future, I find that unlikely, as the entire species are claustrophobic in the extreme and completely unable to travel aboard a starship without suffering a nervous breakdown. I was in fact the Starfleet officer to discover this during a tense negotiation session in an enclosed facility. It was shortly after this that the Ckorrefektians briefly aligned themselves with the Klingons, although I was assured that this incident, in which seven Ckorrefektians lost their lives, had nothing whatsoever to do with that decision.

3) As to Starfleet’s status, I am well aware of the Charter and it’s limitations. I am also aware that many civilian subcontractors take advantage of the loopholes within the Charter to the detriment of our efficiency. I am not advocating ignoring our Codes of Conduct, merely of adopting a more flexible attitude to the rules occasionally, in order to persuade those subcontractors to work a little harder for their government contracts.

4) It is believed that the mould outbreak was the result of a freak accident involving my chief shuttle pilot, several cocktails of varying alcoholic strength, a cheese toastie and a fractured dilithium crystal, and is assessed as unlikely to reoccur. Thanks to the aforementioned chief shuttle pilot donating his off duty clothing we do indeed have sufficient mops and rags to deal with the outbreak.

Yours,

Captain CJT Olding, 217-5840-Q.
Officer Commanding, Federation Space Station Deep Space 13.

From: Starfleet Corps of Engineers Energy Fields Technical Support <efts@sce.starfleet.ufp>
To: Lt. P. Barfoot <pbarfoot@ds13.starfleet.ufp>
Stardate: 4985878.66
Subject: Re: Federation Gravity Generators and Cardassian Equipment

Peter,

I find myself somewhat concerned, even after all this time, with the ease with which I am able to interpret your particular vernacular expressions. Perhaps there is some truth in the theory that some ‘skills’ never leave you, no matter what may occur. I am certain we have had this conversation before, so I will repeat now what I told you seven-and-a-half decades ago: I see no harm in allowing myself to experience all aspects of the alien society I find myself living in. The Ponn Farr may only occur once every seven years but Vulcan males are as capable as Terran males of ‘performing’. I find myself surprised with how comfortable I find talking about this with you, but then given all the events we went through together on Utopia Planetia, perhaps I should not be.

I am intrigued by your experiences with using the buffer array. None of the simulations I ran indicated any such problems. I may, however, be able to provide a temporary solution to one of your dilemmas. It is possible to extend the frequency of the spike. The only consequences you need to be aware of are that the longer the gap between spikes, the less effective the unit will function as a gravity generator. If you extend the the time gap to around 50 milliseconds the computer core should stabilise for much longer periods. Of course, this will mean that the maximum stable gravity field you can generate will only be 0.8G, but I am receiving the impression that even that would currently be sufficient.

I would certainly not have advised switching the device on without an OSBN relay in place, although I understand the difficulties of working under a demanding CO. The DG-5 should suffice, although the relay may be somewhat slow when you are inputting modifications to fine tune the final working device. Walking on the ceiling is possibly the best outcome you could have hoped for when switching this on without an OSBN relay or (I am assuming) the modified tricorder to regulate flux.

This bring me to my next suggestion, although it is one you may find a little difficult to put into practice. I have examined the detailed schematics of the CaffMatic XP-38-D and it is as I hoped. Some time ago I read an article in which a Tellarite engineer converted an old coffee maker into a working OSBN relay. I have been unable to relocate said article, but I believe between us we should be able to re-create his achievement. The important factors are the duranium drip tray and the capacity of greater than 4 cubic litres. It is necessary to put in a tube to send the flow of energy from the GG219 to bypass the filter funnel and go directly into the reservoir. You then need to fill the device with a certain kind of biomechanical gel – although I’m afraid my memory of the article does not provide exactly which one. It is important to fill it to capacity, as it is this which enables the machine to act as a stable relay. A wire needs to be run through this into the duranium tray, which you can then attach via a standard magnetic clip to the tricorder’s data input slot. I must admit I am relying on your ingenuity to fill in several of the gaps in this.

Good luck.
Sponn

From: Lt. P. Barfoot <pbarfoot@ds13.starfleet.ufp>
To: Starfleet Corps of Engineers Energy Fields Technical Support <efts@sce.starfleet.ufp>
Stardate: 4985881.86
Subject: Re: Federation Gravity Generators and Cardassian Equipment
Sponners,

You and your “experiencing alien cultures bit”! I took the time to read up on IDIC after one of our nights out back at UP, and I reckon you’re pushing the envelope a bit there, mate! Besides, not many who can say they’ve dated GRANDmother and granddaughter – Hang on, please don’t tell me you dated the middle one as well…

We’ve increased the gap between spikes, and its sort of worked. Gravity’s gone right way up again, sort of, but it’s now at 0.5G so if you walk too quickly or bounce too hard, you fly up and stick to the ceiling. Makes responding to emergencies a little tough, I tell you. Also, we’ve just got the bogs back on line after an unfortunate business, only to find that using them now can be a life-changing experience, if you’re not careful. I’m pretty sure that the OSBN is the only way we’re gonna regulate this any time soon. We still need to get this done, as apparently there’s a delay on our gravity generators. The independent contractor bringing them to us got hijacked by pirates and the parts were nicked. The Captain’s hopping mad and spluttering about sending the runabouts out to go hunting for them, but Starfleet Command won’t let him. Anyway.

I’ve got the modified tricorder up and working (although it’ll need testing with the rest of the system). Didn’t try plugging it in without the OSBN relay as I figured that would probably make things worse.

Interesting idea with the coffee percolator, and I can see where you’re coming from. Don’t see any problems making the modifications to the percolator itself, but we’ve got two main issues here – the boss won’t let me anywhere near the percolator as he reckons I’ll break it, and we’ve got no biomechanical gel aboard the station. Any way we can whip some up from local ingredients? I’ve got a mouldy sandwich that’s probably achieved sentience by now, if that helps.

Anyway, I’m off to try kidnapping the percolator. Have a think, and give me a shout.

Cheers,
Petey The Vampire Slayer

From: Starfleet Corps of Engineers Energy Fields Technical Support <efts@sce.starfleet.ufp>
To: Lt. P. Barfoot <pbarfoot@ds13.starfleet.ufp>
Stardate: 4985900.86
Subject: Re: Federation Gravity Generators and Cardassian Equipment

Peter,

If you researched IDIC then you are aware it stands for ‘Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combination’ – and I am merely applying some of those combinations to achieve the required diversity. Experimentation is the key to understanding, after all. And no, I did not ‘date’ the ‘middle one’ as well. I do not believe he would have been open to that particular suggestion.

It is unfortunate to hear that the parts you have been waiting for have been hijacked. Unfortunately I am not in a position to give you much aid, since I am not allowed to approve reqests for that type of equipment – I could submit a request that a second set be sent out to you, but I can not in all honestly guarantee such a request would be honoured, since a replacement set has already been sent.

Indeed, plugging in the modified tricorder without the OSBN relay would have been most inadvisable. The phrase ‘lit match in a fireworks factory’ would not be inappropriate. Nor, potentially, would ‘crispy fried engineer’ as you were so fond of saying.

I am unable to offer advice with the first of your problems. I am reminded, however, of the incident on Mars when we visited the southern mountain ranges. I have never viewed an innocent filing cabinet in quite the same way ever since. As to producing biomechanical gel, it seems the most efficacious method may indeed be to ‘cook up’ some of your own. I am assuming you do not have the facilities on board to construct the required semi-nanitic substance most often used in this type of device, so I shall attempting to provide you with an organic recipe that should achieve much the same result, though it will undoubtedly be less efficient and will require constant monitoring and recycling.

Studies have shown that a one-to-one mixture of plankton, heavy salt water and mud, combined with a very high concentration of ‘Serratia marcescens’ (at least a ratio of 3 million per cubic centimeter of water) will achieve something close to the desired result. This bacteria, as you may be aware, is most commonly found on bread-like substances that have been left to go moldy in a damp place – perhaps your sandwich might be a suitable source for growth?

There are one or two caveats associated with this suggestion:

Firstly you should be aware that while this will allow the makeshift generators to run at 75% efficiency and at a full 1G, as little stress should be placed on them as possible for fear of the makeshift OSBN relay overloading and exploding. If you were on board a starship I would most certainly not have made this suggestion. However, since you are on a space station which has little to no chance of moving in the near future I feel it is an acceptable risk. Secondly, as I mentioned, this ‘recipe’ would have to be replaced fairly often, most likely once a fortnight at the very least.

I await your next reply with great anticipation.
Sponn

From: Lt. P. Barfoot <pbarfoot@ds13.starfleet.ufp>
To: Starfleet Corps of Engineers Energy Fields Technical Support <efts@sce.starfleet.ufp>
Stardate: 4985903.72
Subject: Re: Federation Gravity Generators and Cardassian Equipment
Attachment(s): <<We have your percolator.doc>>

Sponners,

Don’t panic about the kit: we’ve been told by Requisitions the replacement parts are on the way, although the Captain’s demands that the freighter shipping them be accompanied by a fully operational battle group with very very loose rules of engagement didn’t get through, apparently.

I am not plugging the tricorder in until we’ve got the OSBN up and running, never fear. We’ve had three serious injuries, one first degree burn and a couple of minor sprains this week amongst the engineers. That’s an all-time low for us, and I don’t want to jinx it by trying anything premature. The Captain’s not happy, but I fobbed him off with the old ‘multi-ohm board not being able to take more than a 4.2 milli-Streicher increase before it blows’ routine we used to use. So we’ve got a couple of days before he gets round to checking that and realising I’m talking gibberish.

I’ve managed to get my hands on the percolator, so we’re good to go on that front. I did think about our old filing cabinet solution, but even after 75 years the reprimand for that is still on my file, along with the restraining orders and prohibition from attending any social event on Mars, so I figured that might be a bit of a high risk strategy. I’ve come up with a far less risky option. My boss thinks the percolator’s now in the hands of a gang of inter-system antiques thieves who specialise in turn of the century kitchenware. Incidentally, can you resend the ransom demand attached to this message back to DS13 via a couple of different places to disguise the transmission point of origin? It’ll help keep the story going for while longer. Ta.

Followed your recipe for the bio-mechanical gel to the letter. Sponners, old son, you should have been a cook! Admittedly, I had to sacrifice a perfectly good sandwich to the cause, but we’ve now got a big old gloopy pile of the most evil-smelling substance I’ve ever come across. I’ve run a couple of tests on it, and we’ve managed to control the auxiliary cargo bays doors through it. After a couple of false starts where we accidentally chopped a cargo container in half, we figured out how to regulate the flow (it’s all in the plankton concentration), and I reckon we’re about ready to give this a try.

One last question before I turn this beast on: In the event the station has to, erm, move at all, what do you reckon the chances of everything going BANG! are? I know you would think that’s unlikely, but for reasons I can’t really go into I’m having to take that into account right now.

Cheers,
Pete Barfoot! Pete Barfoot! So good they named him twice!

PS: Write back quick, Sponners, it’s all kicking off down here now.

From: Starfleet Corps of Engineers Energy Fields Technical Support <efts@sce.starfleet.ufp>
To: Lt. P. Barfoot <pbarfoot@ds13.starfleet.ufp>
Stardate: 4985904.11
Subject: Re: Federation Gravity Generators and Cardassian Equipment

Peter,

I have the feeling from your last message that time is of the essence here, so I shall attempt to keep my reply brief. Your Chief should receive the message you requested be sent on in a day or so, purportedly originating from the black market haven that is the moon of Beta Argula VIII. I honestly never thought our brief expedition their during the last century would reap such benefits. I do not know if you remember the acquaintences we made there, but they have agreed to continue the decpetion for as long as necessary. On reflection, perhaps the filing cabinet suggestion was somewhat inappropriate. I trust you no longer suffer the aftereffects too severely?

I am intrigued, and mildly surprised insofar as that is possible, that the makeshift OSBN rely works correctly. It is most gratifying to discover such flashes of inspiration can bear fruit. If you have managed to control cargo bay doors you have probably already come across some of the apparent peculiarities inherent in this particular solution. One other piece of advice: never drop anything into the mixture when the device is active.

As for how unstable the mixture would be when under stress, given the hodge-podge nature of the design the only possible answer is ‘very’. I believe this can be alleviated somewhat by temporarily increasing the concentration of bacteria in the mixture. While this would have an adverse effect under normal circumstances, I believe for short periods it will prevent the mixture from reaching a critical stage when placed under stress. It is vital to return the mixture to its ground state afterwards, or you will risk burning out the emitter arrays.

Good luck, old friend. I have the oddest feeling you may be needing all you can currently acquire.

Live long and prosper.
Sponn

From: Lt. P. Barfoot <pbarfoot@ds13.starfleet.ufp>
To: Starfleet Corps of Engineers Energy Fields Technical Support <efts@sce.starfleet.ufp>
Stardate: 4986011.85
Subject: Re: Federation Gravity Generators and Cardassian Equipment

Sponners!

Sorry about the delay in coming back to you – all hell broke loose there for a while! We had to move the station across a solar system on thrusters, and do it in an hour or less. You’ll be pleased… actually, you won’t be pleased ‘cos you’re Vulcan. Alright, you’ll be satisfied to know the gravity regulator we banged out actually held up while we moved the station. It even survived a trip through a wormhole and back again without too many problems! Bit of a result there, I reckon.

I had a bunch of my engineers topping up and cleaning out the bacteria levels as we went, bit labour intensive, but we’ve only got one guy in the Infirmary with some weird infection he picked up, which makes it one of the best engineering projects this crew’s ever been involved with! The only thing that got dropped into the mixture was this guy, I slipped over a damp patch where we spilled some of the gel, accidentally elbowed the chief, who went arse over tit and took out the legs of one of our ensigns. She then tipped backwards and made a grab for a console to save herself, but missed and caught the shoulder of a crewman, knocking him off balance and he went headfirst into the mixture. (Bizarrely, he’s not the one with the infection) We managed to stabilise the mixture by quickly lobbing in a plate of bacon sarnies the chief had knocked out as emergency rations, and, apart from a couple of fluctuations from the ketchup, everything was cool.

Last problem we’ve got isn’t strictly engineering related, but it’s kinda relevant: the convoy that was supposed to be bringing us the proper gravity generators disappeared in some weird-ass temporal flux thing and hasn’t been seen since. The Captain’s gone postal, but the payoff is that we’re now going to need to keep the whole percolator-napping thing going indefinitely, as it’s going to be needed to keep the gravity running here for a while longer yet.

Don’t feel bad about the filing cabinet idea, it was a good idea but maybe just a little too high-risk this time round. I still get the twinges occasionally, usually before it rains, so it’s only an issue when I’m planet-side, to be honest. And I’ve managed to control the involuntary arm spasms through a carefully controlled mixture of meditation and hard-core drugs.

Anyway Sponners, gotta go, there’ll be another crisis along in a minute. Have a good one, and if you’re ever out here in the area, drop on in anytime.

Cheers
The Amazing Pete-O-Rini

Memoranda

To My Darling Fluffy

Lt Pete Barfoot and the Case of the Missing Coffee Percolator