In which the crew of the USS Psycho encounter diverse aliens, most of whom seem hell-bent on being decidedly unfriendly, and along the way are forced to save civilisation as we know it, and still don’t get any overtime.
Wall crashes a shuttle, Damerell finds cannabis aboard ship, Olding gets tetchy. Basically does exactly what it says on the tin.
‘…As he did so, he noticed that the screen displayed stars moving past. “I didn’t order the ship to be taken out of orbit!” “Er, no sir. It’s the screen-saver, sir.” Damerell touched a button and the picture returned to one of the planet below…’
An old adversary of Olding’s attacks the Psycho in a bid to prevent the latest Federation-Klingon peace treaty going ahead, with tragic (cough) results.
‘…Eventually, Olding and Damerell reached the bridge, after having taken at least three detours due to corridors being blocked up with debris, machinery, or, in one bizarre case, cream cakes…’
Things not having gone particularly well in the fight against Cholmondely-Smythe, the Psycho crew set out to rescue their fallen comrade.
‘…”Sir, Extreme powering up with orders to pursue. Two Big Macs and a Coke.” Damerell frowned, and tapped his ear-piece. “Sorry, must have been a crossed line.”…’
In an attempt to save both Earth and Hill’s mind, the crew of the Titanic travels back in time to England of the late 1990’s.
‘…”Then, Mr Wall, our lives are in your hands,” Olding said, and tried to ignore the panicked shriek of “Jesus Christ!!!! We’re all going to die!!!!” from Damerell…’
Finally resuming their original peace mission, the Psycho is hijacked by a religious nut and his followers, and a surprise is in store for one of the crew.
‘…Olding hit the intercom. “Mr Graham, are the transporters operational?” “Now, if you’d asked me that just three minutes ago, I’d have said yes. But I was just cleaning the particle emitters, and now the entire system’s in bits all over the floor. Sorry.”…’
With the peace treaty at stake, the Psycho crew discovers a traitor in their midst and must race to save civilisation as we know it. We’re all doomed…
‘…Everyone’s eyes were drawn to Chancellor Gorkoff in his kinky red leather outfit…’
Catapulted forwards in time, the Psycho crew adjust to a new Starfleet, a new captain, but still screw things up in the same old way.
‘…Stark came staggering out of the room, before falling onto the floor and giggling. Recovering some semblance of sanity, he slapped his comm badge and said, “Mummy, I want to go home!!”…’
Now lacking a ship, the crew are posted to a space station on the edge of known space, and unexpectedly encounter a familiar enemy of the Federation.
‘…The counsellor ran from barricade to barricade, ostensibly to give orders, but in reality to ensure she didn’t miss out on any of the fun…’
Back aboard a starship (the USS Psycho-B), the crew find themselves up against the deadliest enemy of them all… the Borg.
‘…Hill thought rapidly. “Hail the Borg,” he said. Damerell leapt out of his seat, slapped his chest and shouted “All hail the Borg!!”…’
Through no fault of Damerell’s (!) the crew are lost in the Delta Quadrant, where they encounter old friends, new enemies and get to see things from an alternate viewpoint.
‘…Stark continued to struggle, shouting, “You don’t understand!!! This is a flan emergency!!!!!” Eventually, they subdued him with a hypospray…’
Olding faces his worst nightmare, and Hill gets left in charge of preserving the course of history. And the Enterprise crew get the credit.
‘…”T’ line must be drawn here!!!!” He stabbed downwards with his finger. There was a silence, while they both glared at each other. The silence was broken by a scratching noise, and Olding looked down to find Damerell busy with a lump of chalk…’
Starfleet breaks up the crew. What? What?! Of course they’ll be back…
‘…There then followed a few seconds of snorting noises as Damerell blew his nose, then a sharp crack, and an “Ow!” as the counsellor hit him to stop him from inspecting the contents of the hanky…’
