Psychotic Academy

In which the Starfleet cadets later to become the crew of the USS Psycho encounter diverse senior officers, aliens, and sundry others, and learn how to be Starfleet officers. Badly.

  • The Nutters

    In which, as unlikely as it seems, Wall and Damerell attend Starfleet Academy. This is the story of four years of chaos, cheating, bickering and forging the bonds of a friendship that (unfortunately) won't go away.

    1. Birth of a Partnership

      Wall and Damerell meet, and celebrate by getting in deep trouble.

      ‘…Damerell glanced around desperately. Everyone else was trying to slide nonchalantly away from him, as if he was standing on high-explosive and didn’t know it…’

    2. Playing the Game

      Wall accidentally cheats at his exams, and the two of them get another cadet arrested for deliberately cheating. Double-standards, anyone?

      ‘…He sat there for a few moments, savagely cursing Starfleet’s lack of foresightedness in not placing crashmats on the floor of every cadet dormitory…’

    3. Another Year, Another Exam

      Wall persuades Damerell to cheat at his exams before destroying Starfleet property as part of his.

      ‘…”Okay, let’s get those boots off… ah, yes, that’s it! The miracle of toes…”…’

    4. Welcome to Real Life

      Wall and Damerell’s cadet cruise under a certain senior officer goes horribly wrong. What did you expect?

      ‘…”Good grief! It’s worse than your lunch!”…’

  • The Rivals

    In which Hill and Graham spend their time at the Academy arguing, fighting and establishing a bitter rivalry that would last well beyond their Academy days.

    1. A Stroll in the Country

      Hill samples the outdoor life, and finds it doesn’t agree with him. He then meets Graham, and finds that agrees with him even less.

      ‘…Hill abruptly dumped all his enlightened twenty-third century preconceptions and decided he’d been paired with a freak…’

    2. The Art of Turbolift Maintenance

      Hill discovers new talents when he is trapped in a lift with a decidedly unVulcan Graham undergoing Ponn Farr.

      ‘…Every so often I need to either mate with something, or torture it for a few hours…’

    3. Theoretically, This Ought To Work

      Graham’s compassion for his fellow man is shown to be sorely lacking during an exercise.

      ‘…”The entire ship will be annihilated. To think of all that technology, immolated in one hideous instant!!! Oh, woe is me…”…’

    4. The Devil is in the Detail

      Graham has concerns that his Graduation ceremony will be spoilt by Hill. Hill, however, has other things on his mind.

      ‘…As he sang, he pirouetted past the Commander and down the corridor…’

  • The Doc, the Cook, His Mousse and their Adventures

    In which Jackson is dishonourably discharged from the Academy and Stark, kind soul that he is, offers to help him out with a job in his kitchen. Not the standard path for a would-be medic to take.

    1. The Unkindest Cut of All

      Jackson is court-martialled for attempted murder and picks Stark to be his defense counsel. Some might say these are not the actions of a sane mind.

      ‘…Jackson, who knew he was late, decided not to worry about it, and began to frenziedly cut the body’s right leg off…’

    2. New Life, New Civilisations and an Iceberg Lettuce

      Jackson’s attempts at cleaning Stark’s kitchen create a rift in the space-time continuum.

      ‘…As the omelette passed Jackson, his eyes bulged and he cried, “This is your idea of a rescue?”…’

    3. Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner and a Late Snack at Tiffany’s

      Events take an unexpected turn when Stark cooks for a host of Starfleet VIPs.

      ‘…Stark stepped over Jackson’s comatose body and brought the tureen up to cover his face…’

    4. Stepping Up To The (Hot) Plate

      When plague strikes Port McCaffrey, Jackson and Stark rally to provide support until aid arrives in the form of a familiar Starfleet officer.

      ‘…”Nuking them from orbit,” the woman said, spreading her hands and looking up towards the sky. Behind her, her colleagues all copied her actions, contented smiles on their faces. “It’s the only way to be sure.”…’

  • North and South

    In which Olding comes to terms with his true calling, dealing with an uptight Southern ponce in the process.

    1. A Character Building Experience

      Olding meets his arch-nemesis, with far reaching consequences.

      ‘…The hand that had been doing the slapping was abruptly flung forwards at Olding, who shook it limply. “Horatio Cholmondely-Smythe, at your service, dear boy!”…’

    2. Invasive Procedures

      Olding reaches his limit with one of his roommate’s more irritating habits.

      ‘…just as he was being kicked out of the library before curfew, Olding reckoned he had what he needed to implement what he’d mentally termed Operation Ponce-Be-Gone…’

    3. Oh, Balls

      Olding attends the Senior’s Ball.

      ‘…Wilhelmina halted her actions and looked up at him in acute embarrassment. “I should stop rubbing your crotch,” she concluded…’